👉 Here is something crucial to understand about why this happens to you as the first step to overcoming it. More below.. If this situation is affecting your relationship, I cover it in much more detail in the my new book ‘Open When...’ it was an instant no.1 Sunday Times Bestseller (link in bio). …It’s normal for affections and expressions of love to fluctuate in healthy relationships. But if the slightest sign of disinterest from your partner sets off alarm bells in your mind and has you fearing the end of the relationship, the subsequent urgent attempts to get reassurance can cause damage to the relationship over time. Learning to feel safer in relationships starts with understanding something crucial about how your brain works. When the brain sets off that fear response it doesn’t have all the facts. It only has a few clues to go on. So, it tries to make sense of what is happening now by referencing memories of when things felt similar in the past. If signs of a loved one going cold in the past meant the possibility of rejection or abandonment then the brain goes with what it knows and sounds the alarm to tell you this is an emergency. But the reason that knowing this is so valuable is this: the fear you feel in those moments is not only to be understood by what is happening now but also by what you have been through in the past. So you can begin to get familiar with the scenarios that tend to trigger a false alarm because they feel similar to past experience. Then you can learn to spot false alarms as they happen and choose to respond in the way that you know works best for your relationship today instead of living out patterns from the past. 👉 My new book ‘Open When...’ is finally out (link in bio) and was an instant no.1 Sunday Times Bestseller. Also check out my million copy bestselling 1st book ‘Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?’ Both are available across the world in around 40 languages.
@drjulieTranscript
If you start to feel anxious when you haven't heard back from your partner or when you haven't seen them in a while, you start to worry that they don't love you anymore or they might be cheating. It's possible you grew up in an environment where the love and the care was unreliable or unpredictable. Every interaction with a parent was like a roll of the dice. Sometimes they were loving, sometimes rejecting, and you left guessing whether you were even lovable. So, understandably, you formed an anxious attachment style and that became your template for relationships. This then follows you into adulthood. So today, when your partner goes cold or pulls back, even slightly, feels like another roll of the dice.
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👉 Here is something crucial to understand about why this happens to you as the first step to overcoming it. It’s normal for affections and expressions of love to fluctuate in healthy relationships. But if the slightest sign of disinterest from your partner sets off alarm bells in your mind and has you fearing the end of the relationship, the subsequent urgent attempts to get reassurance can cause damage to the relationship over time. Learning to feel safer in relationships starts with understanding something crucial about how your brain works. When the brain sets off that fear response it doesn’t have all the facts. It only has a few clues to go on. So, it tries to make sense of what is happening now by referencing memories of when things felt similar in the past. If signs of a loved one going cold in the past meant the possibility of rejection or abandonment then the brain goes with what it knows and sounds the alarm to tell you this is an emergency. But the reason that knowing this is so valuable is this: the fear you feel in those moments is not only to be understood by what is happening now but also by what you have been through in the past. So you can begin to get familiar with the scenarios that tend to trigger a false alarm because they feel similar to past experience. Then you can learn to spot false alarms as they happen and choose to respond in the way that you know works best for your relationship today instead of living out patterns from the past. 👉 If this situation is affecting your relationship, I cover it in much more detail in the new book I have been writing, so watch this space for more to come. 📘 Also check out my million copy bestselling book - Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (Currently -50% see link in bio). Filled with insights from therapy about how to deal with real life problems. Available in over 40 languages
👉Be careful, people-pleasing feels like it’s keeping you safe...until you realise you’re saying yes to things you don’t believe in... you’re being quiet when you know you should speak up... and you’re choosing approval over integrity. The result is you look nice and agreeable on the outside, but feel completely screwed up inside; resentful, confused, and lacking any sense of control in your own life. 👉 I talk about this and how to turn it around in my multi million copy bestseller, ‘Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?’ And my New Sunday Times & New York Times bestseller, ‘Open When…’
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