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If you want to bury a dead body, simply bury it nine feet deep, then place a dead animal four feet above it. This way if a police dog smells something unusual, they will only find the dead animal. If you're driving around with some illegal substances, simply put it in a sealed box that has your address on it because cops aren't allowed to open up your mail. If you want to get rid of a crime weapon, the best way to do it is to melt it down into a block of steel, then throw it in the ocean. This way it will sink to the bottom, and if someone finds that they will never know what it originally was. Every time you stay at a hotel, bring a dead cockroach with you. Toss it on the floor somewhere in your room, then call the front desk and say there's a cockroach in my room. You'll probably get a free room upgrade or a discount for the rest of your stay. To be safe in bare-infested areas, always carry a pocket knife when you go with a friend. If a bear attacks you, stab your friend in the leg and run. If you're tired at work, set up a ladder and take a nap at its base. If you get caught, you can say you fell off the ladder and lost consciousness.